The #1 Challenge in Sports Parenting: what you say vs. what they hear
From the ages of 8-13 baseball was the center of my athletic world. Assuming success in Little League would lead to a pro baseball career, I asked my dad whether he thought I could play shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles when I got older. He said that with hard work anything was possible. This was encouraging because, like many boys my age, I took whatever my dad said as gospel truth.
However, around that same time I played a game in which everything went great (at least from my perspective). On the drive home my dad’s main point of emphasis was that I hadn’t hustled on and off the field between innings. The messages I internalized were first, that no matter how well I played there would always be something to improve upon and second, it was going to be challenging, if not impossible, to please my dad with my performance.
As I look back, I know my dad’s intent was simply to teach me the value of effort, high standards, and discipline. Those qualities took me far as an athlete for many years. For that I am truly grateful, although I never did play shortstop for the Orioles. The problem was that I became so competitive and self-critical that every loss felt like a disaster. And the wins were hard to appreciate because I always felt like there was something I should have done better. It was an emotional roller coaster where the highs were short lived, and the lows were intense (and lingered). This dysfunctional approach to sports made it harder to perform to my potential in the long run.
I shared this story once with some parents at a junior tennis tournament. My message was that it’s not what you say that matters, it’s what your kid hears. To improve the odds of closing that gap, I offered a few of the following principles:
* Be an example of self-control and positive attitude. Realize that you are performing just as much as your kid. Even though you may not be playing the game. Sometimes this means you must act contrary to how you may feel. The goal is to project a calm, composed demeanor, especially amid challenging or stressful circumstances.
* Look for the positives, especially when things go poorly. Most kids, and some parents, tend to think in terms of broad generalities, particularly after a loss, i.e. “you played terrible today” rather than “even though you lost, your serve seems to be improving, and you competed well”. Always reinforce the positives.
* Poor performances are great opportunities for kids to become aware of areas in which they need to improve, test their resolve, and learn how to self-correct. Sports, especially sports like tennis (one on one competition, call your own lines, no coaching, etc.), offer a challenging but fertile environment for developing skills that carry over into later life.
* Poor attitude and/or lack of effort are opportunities for parents to establish boundaries and enforce them. To use an analogy from dog training, you must establish yourself as the alpha dog early by clearly marking off the expectations for behavior. It’s best to start this process when you first bring that puppy home, otherwise you end up with a big dog who thinks he’s in charge of the house. And, to borrow a line from Ceasar Milan (well-known dog trainer), you need to have “calm assertive energy”.
* Lead them to the negative by asking questions. Resist the urge to launch into the areas to improve after every performance. Ask them what they felt they could do better and listen to the answer. At least you learn what’s in their head, at best they surprise you with an insightful answer. A great quote I heard years ago sums this thought up, “don’t steal the learning”.
* “What are two things you think you could improve upon and two things you think you did well?” This is one of my favorite questions to ask kids after they compete. However, this is not about them answering correctly based on what I think. It’s about my listening to what they think and hopefully starting a constructive dialogue. Feel free to steal that question and use it.
* The key words to keep repeating are PATIENCE and PROCESS. Accept that most often people, including adults, learn on their own timetable rather than the one we impose on them. Many times, the lessons we learn from our own experience are the ones we remember best.
* PREPARE well, COMPETE hard, and LEARN from every competition. Then . . . apply what you learned as you start the process over. There is no finish line in sports regardless of what you achieve. Outcome is a byproduct of the process. As a parent, truly understanding that will go a long way to achieving the right perspective and make your life less stressful.
* “I love to watch you play” is the best thing you can say to your kid after they compete. Assuming you can do so genuinely and without elaboration or qualification. This sends a great message that you’re there primarily to encourage rather than evaluate.
*Be aware of behaviors that send the wrong message. Constantly talking about sports, obsessing about tournaments, focusing on outcomes over process, gossiping about other people – all these behaviors tell your kid that YOU are way into THEIR sport. Remember, it’s not about YOU (as in, “we are playing a tournament next weekend), it’s about THEM (as in, “they have a tournament next weekend”).
* Your job isn’t to play the game, it’s to support and then let go. It’s ok for your kid to experience the highs and lows of good wins and bad losses … that’s called owning it. Discipline yourself not to live in that emotional experience with them … it’s not yours to own. Otherwise, it’s like the blind leading the blind. Sports are an opportunity for them to learn life skills. Your job is to facilitate with a clear mind and calm spirit.