The most dangerous term in sports: “should have”
I spend a lot of time around tennis; listening to other coaches, watching kids play, talking with parents about their kids. One of the most common terms I’ve heard over the years is “should have” – all three groups use it a lot. I’ve decided recently to ban this term from my vocabulary and encourage my students, and their parents, to do the same. Let me take a stab at an explanation.
I have recently been introduced to the game of pickle ball – won’t go into the details here, but suffice it to say that the emotional, mental, and physical dynamics have brought me back to my early years in tennis. Just like the old days, I’ve found myself immersed in the pursuit of something I can’t quite get the hang of … yet. Anyone who has pursued a sport seriously knows the crazy balance you go through – one moment engaged in the joy of the challenge, the next swearing under your breath trying not to throw your racquet (or paddle). The main source of frustration in sports, regardless of my level or experience, has always been that I consistently set my expectations beyond my ability level. No matter what happens, I always feel like I should have done better. I don’t know why I do this - Is it nature or nurture? Am I just naturally too competitive? Why I am only this crazy when it comes to sports? Is it too late for intensive therapy?
My internal dialogue is dominated with sentences that start with should have. As in; you should have made that easy shot, you should have won that last point, or you should have beaten that last opponent. This has been the source of lots of unnecessary stress over the years. I’m constantly looking back and evaluating my performance, even as I play the game. As a result, I rarely play with a sense of joy or to my full potential. It’s hard to stay in the moment when you’re always looking backwards. (The video linked on this page is a great example of staying in the moment.)
As I came to this realization, I’ve become more aware of this trait in others. I’ve watched countless kids (and parents) get disproportionately worked up over trivial issues – they missed one easy shot, lost a close tiebreaker, etc. etc. This seems crazy from the outside but it sure isn’t when you are the person involved. If there is any positive here, it’s that I’m less likely to judge the players I coach for being too hard on themselves. I understand what’s going on in their head.
It’s harder, however, to understand the parents. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a parent say, “he/she should have beaten that kid”. I find myself wishing that somehow, we could reverse the roles. Let’s have the parents go out and compete while their kid stands on the sideline and evaluates. I think the “should have” term would come up less often when the parents come off the court.
So, I am resolving myself to stop with the “should haves” and encouraging others to do the same. The obvious question becomes, what’s the alternative? Here are a few thoughts:
#1- Set realistic standards based on reality. Or to put it negatively, don’t be delusional. For example, I expected to beat tournament level, experienced pickle ball players after playing the sport a total of 3 times in my life . . . delusional.
#2 - Don’t keep a mental record of how often you mess up. Instead of judging the past, “I have missed 10 forehands in the net today”, set a positive, specific goal for the present, “I wonder if I can hit my next forehand over the net”.
#3 - Observe, learn, and adjust rather than critique, evaluate, and judge. There’s nothing wrong with being competitive and having high standards. Channel that energy in a productive way. Redirect your mind from the ‘negative / general’ to the ‘positive / specific’.
#4 - Commit to practicing mental skills every time you play. This usually takes more discipline and effort than practicing physical skills. The worse you play the better the opportunity to practice. Evaluate your performance, first and foremost, on how well you stayed in the moment.
If you’re a player and use these principles you’ll find that the “should haves” won’t enter your mind very often, you’ll be too engaged in what you’re doing. Which, of course, is what coaches are talking about when they say “concentrate”, “stay in the moment”, or “get in the zone”. If you’re a parent, see which one of these principles you might apply yourself. After all you’re performing just as much as your kid. Your job is to support, encourage, and create a great environment. If you understand that, the “should haves” really won’t be a part of your vocabulary either.